Monday, February 23, 2004

Some Thoughts on Religion

Religion has a place in society, but I do not think it has a place on my doorstep. This is why I am confused by the methods of the Jehovah’s witnesses. What the heck are they thinking? Honestly, how often could their door to door pitch (including 4 page pamphlet) actually work? I mean, it’s not a magazine subscription, which is hard enough to sell, but a clear way of living full of morals and responsibilities.

Atleast they are not pitching what the Christian Scientists are pitching. I mean, talk about inadequate healthcare. Praying to God as a healing method, over modern medicine, is not what I consider a good plan A. Also, the old “God knows best, (specified loved one) is in heaven now” is not what I consider a top-notch backup plan. I believe that parachute has a hole in it!

Sidenote: I actually do not know that much about Christian Scientists, but thought it would be funny to write that. If you are a Christian Scientist, I apologize if this offends you. If you are Amish, what the hell are you doing with a computer?

Unlike some liberals (the close-minded-holier than thou-don’t want anyone to dictate my life but I can dictate yours-types) I believe religion has a great deal of value in our society. It is a tool to organize one’s life, and keep one’s priorities in check. And hey, who doesn’t like days-off for religious holidays you don’t care about.

However, we should keep in mind that for a non-Christian, Jesus is the guy you hate because everybody talks about how great he is. Jesus did that and then he did this and then he topped it off with…every day of your life.

“Jesus turned water into wine and then turned it back to water and then he walked on it or something.”

Well, David Copperfield made the statue of liberty disappear and I don’t like him either. So I’m sorry, but I am not interested in your magic book….I have my own. And mine has talking elephants and monkeys! So there!

If I am wrong, I will admit that it would be pretty embarrassing talking to Jesus about it when he gets here.

“Elephant God??? Are you serious? You weren’t even close!! At least the Satan-worshippers were in the same ballpark. Hey, I like comic books too, but I’m not praying to Spider Man, ok?”

However, if I am right, I can’t wait to hear the Christians react: “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Sidenote: I realize that I am simplifying Hinduism greatly. Animals and other beings serve as symbolic connections between man and nature and also as focal points to create a closer connection to God. However, it cannot be denied that monkeys and elephants are fucking hilarious!

Also, if Jesus does come back, he’s going to be in some deep shit. He was born in the Middle East, so for all intents and purposes, he’s an Arab. He had dark skin!

So, he’s going to come back to earth and start organizing (because that’s what the J-man loved to do) and get a huge following.

The U.S. government will get scared, think it’s a terrorist cell and, thanks to the Patriot Act, send the messiah to a detainment camp in Guantanamo Bay.

Jesus will be all calm about it because that’s the kind of dude he was. “My son, there’s been a mistake, I’m Jesus.”


Years of euro-centricism have left Jesus looking more like former tennis great Bjorn Borg and less like the young Jon Secada. This actually makes some degree of sense now that I think about it.

Jesus died for our sins at age 33. Bjorn Borg won 8 Wimbeldons and retired at 33.


(Sidenote: Borg actually retired at 26. He was a tennis player in the 1970s.)