Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Some More Random Buffoonery

All these thoughts are loosely connected for the sake of coherence.

- Here’s a joke I opened a set with in Maine a few months after September 11th. No one laughed at it, but I still think it is very funny.

“Before I start my set, let me first answer a question some of you white people might have. ‘No, I don’t know Osama. I can’t get you an autograph, or get anything signed, so put your copy of Terrorism for Dummies down.”

- Condoleeza Rice probably hated her parents for naming her Condoleeza.

“Dammit Mom and Dad, why couldn’t you have named me Cynthia or Tiffany or something else that wasn't so ethnic! Condoleeza? Are you shitting me? That's not even close to a real name! Did you just draw a bunch of letters from a hat? And now I got to deal with all these kids at school calling me “Condom Lisa” or "Condo-lingus." It's terrible! And furthermore, did you both have to be Black?"

- If animals were capable of having “self-esteems,” I’m sure there would be lots of depressed race horses.

“My father was a former race horse, he retired to stud, fucked a bunch of mares, and I was the result of it. He was a drunk, and I don’t think he even knew my mother. Hell, I only knew her for a few years before they took me away. Now I run around a track with a midget on my back…and for what? What’s the point anymore? So I can eventually have some bastard children of my own? For the love of God, they can't do this to me. I’M GAY!”

- When is Bob Ross going to get his own collection in the Met? In addition, when is a movie going to be made about his life? I mean, they could at least make a PORN movie about him…seriously, with that hair it couldn’t be that hard. It could be called “Happy Little Cloud, Happy Little Cum Shot.”

- I don’t hate all modern art, but I do dislike the work of guys like Jackson Pollack. I’ve seen tons of this crap in museums and galleries in New York City, and I just don’t get it. A lot of the paintings look like they were created by children, but they were apparently drawn by adults.

My friends say things like “he’s clearly making a statement about the complexity of human emotion here.” What?? Where did you get that? To me it looks like he’s talking about squiggly lines and random blotches of paint because that is what I see.

“No, Hari, you REALLY need to look at it.”

What? Why? Is this like one of those magic eye pictures? If I look at it long enough will I see a picture of a giraffe and the complexity of human emotion?

They continue to insist these paintings were made by adults, but I’m starting to think they’re lying. I think children made these paintings in modern art sweatshops in the basements of art galleries around the country.

Little Kid: Mr. Jean Claude, I’m done!

Gallery Owner: Ok, Brian, let me see it! What the hell is this?

Little Kid: It’s a forest.Gallery Owner: What are those lines supposed to be?

Little Kid: It’s raining.

Gallery Owner: Oh Brian, this painting looks like shit! I LOVE IT! Now, go back to the basement.”

- I saw another one of those “50 Most…” list shows on VH1 the other day, and Kurt Cobain was on it. The segment began with the usual “voice of a generation,” “brought Grunge to the forefront of popular culture” stuff and, of course, the requisite “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video clip.

Then, for some strange reason, they got a member of RUN DMC to talk about Kurt’s impact on music. No, not the one who wears the hat. No, not the dead one. Yeah…that guy. It was very odd they chose this fellow to discuss Kurt Cobain. Why not get someone more closely related to Kurt, like someone who knew him personally, or at least a rock musician who was influenced by him.

Then things got really absurd.

They asked Kelly Osbourne for her opinion! Kelly Osbourne is famous because her dad is so famous that he made his whole family famous. He even got his untalented, unattractive daughter a record contract, proving again why they call him the “Crown Prince of Darkness.”

She was about 10 when Kurt died, yet she had this to say about his loss:

“There will never be another one, SO GET OVER IT!”

Wow, another meaningless, often repeated statement about dead, and very replaceable, celebrities, said with attitude, for no clear reason.

Did someone claim they were replacing Kurt Cobain? Seriously, no one is arguing with you Kelly.

“I want a ham sandwich, FUCK YOU!”

Here were the connections in this stream of consciousness entry:

Osama- Terrorism- Condoleeza Rice’s name-self conscious- self esteem- Bastard Race Horses- Sex- Bob Ross’ porn biography- Art- Modern Art is Bullshit and easily produced and replaceable- Celebrities are also easily produced and replaceable- Kelly Osbourne


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