Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Some thoughts on the state of American politics and media, written by someone with a 5th grader's vocabulary...and a college degree

For those of you who missed it, here is a link to the Jon Stewart “Crossfire” Video: http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2652831

He absolutely tore those guys a new asshole/ mouth. (Because they all talk shit, get it?? Brilliant.)

These “partisan hacks” (as Mr. Stewart referred to them) claim they are providing a service to America, but how often do you actually learn something from watching two people fight with each other? I don’t watch boxing to learn how to kick ass, I watch it to enjoy OTHER PEOPLE kicking ass.

(More specifically, to enjoy two, previously poor, minorities beat the brain cells out of each other, in front of 3 white judges, a white referee, a mostly white audience, Don King and a plethora of low-A/ high B-List celebrities. “Only in America!”)

Crossfire is not very informative, but it is entertaining. I feel there is a clear freak show element to the program, as one of the commentators looks like Jim Carrey’s Fire Marshall Bill character on “In Living Colour” (read: James Carville), and another looks like a little White boy dressed up as Louis Farrakhan for Halloween (read Tucker Carlson). All this program teaches me is that if you're white, you can still be ugly and be on television.

What I find extremely unfortunate is that broadcast news is also getting caught up in this “infotainment” bullshit.

After watching the Vice-Presidential debates, I turned on NBC to see Ana Marie Cox, the creator of the very popular wonkette.com, give her commentary to Tom Brokaw, a highly respected member of the American media. Here is what she said:

“Fighting with Dick Cheney is sort of like fighting with the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man: You can stick your hand in there but you’re not going to get much substance when it comes out.”

Then she actually started laughing at her own joke on national television! Tom Brokaw just sat there, straight-faced, probably wishing at that moment that he was Edward R. Murrow. Not necessarily because Murrow was a broadcast legend that was able to maintain his dignity throughout his illustrious career, but more likely because he was dead and therefore, lucky enough not to be tortured in this fashion.

Hey Wonkette, I know you must have gotten a bunch of positive comments on your BLOG from that dated Ghostbusters joke, but this kind of stuff doesn’t fly on NBC, ok?? (Yes, yes, I see the irony here of ME criticizing her in this fashion. Please continue to leave comments at the bottom of this entry.)

Hey News People, let the comedians do their jobs and you do yours! You’re not going to draw more people to your network with bad joke-writing.

And seriously now, do you really need to force comedy when you have stories like this one: “BILL O’REILLY LOVES THE FAKE, VIBRATING COCK!”

As expected, not everyone has chosen to cash in on this journalistic gold rush, as The Fox News Network has avoided this story like it was the truth. They have, however, continued to bring up how Kerry mentioned Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter during the last Presidential debate. I mean, let’s be honest here. Kerry should not have brought up Mary Cheney's sexuality. When John Edwards did it, he could address his comments directly to Dick Cheney, and could pretend he was genuinely praising him as an understanding and loving father. (In reality, I believe he was, in fact, sending a coded message to the Conservative Right: “The Vice President’s daughter is a homosexual, making him a hypocrite. Vote for us, OUR daughters are straight.)

But this time, when Kerry mentioned Mary Cheney, her father was not in the room. I would hate for someone to talk about my kid’s life behind my back! It’s none of your fucking business what my daughter is! There are many lesbians and many parents of lesbians in this country, so why mention the sexual identities of the family members of people you are running against?

Still though, what’s up with Mary Cheney? A Gay Republican? That must be tough when you have right wingers in your party that hate your guts. Plus, what a bind to be in:

“Hmm...I really enjoy having all this money...but damn, I really do like this gay sex a lot too! What to do, what to do?"

I wish Kerry was a stronger candidate. Even though he's clearly qualified to BE the President, he is, unfortunately, just not qualified to PLAY the part of the President on television. And that’s what America really wants: A good actor. Someone who looks good, and speaks well. (Bush clearly cannot speak well, but he speaks simply and clearly. Plus, HE REALLY LOVES JESUS, so that generally makes up for his incompetence.)

Kerry just doesn’t exude excitement. I once saw a picture of John Kerry on a motorcycle, and came to the conclusion that he is the only person in the world that could make motorcycles seem boring.

However, it was nice to see John Kerry loosen up and make a joke about his wife Zsa Zsa…I mean Teresa… and her money at the end of the 3rd Debate. They clearly have a marriage of convenience. Seriously now, he must’ve known about the money from the beginning.

“Hey Teresa, why do you have that “57” tattooed on your ass? Heinz Ketchup, huh? Never heard of it.”

Don’t get me wrong. I want to send Bush back to Crawford, Texas, so he can pretend to be a cowboy roaming "the Wild West" (aka his multimillion dollar ranch) as bad as the next person with a working brain. (Even though, if he does win, I could probably keep some of my old jokes. That’s 15 minutes less work for me!)

He’s had more than 3 years to track down Osama Bin Laden, and he’s failed miserably. The man is 6 feet, 5 inches! Just look for the only cave in Afghanistan with a basketball hoop in the driveway!

I wonder if “Dubbya” ever thought this to himself:

“Where is he? Where could this enemy be hiding? Well, where was I hiding during a time of war? Under daddy’s bed in Kennebunkport…no, not there… the pool house in Martha’s Vineyard…no… definitely not Vietnam… the Texas Air National Guard (chuckles to himself) … Bermuda… whorehouse (not in Vietnam). Dang, come to think of it, I don’t even remember where I was hiding! The time just flies when you snort that much cocaine, I guess.”

It still amazes me that Bush and his henchmen would go after Kerry’s service in Vietnam, considering his own war record is still very suspect. Furthermore, even if he had actually completed his service in the Guard, it’s not like he was really ever in harm's way. On the long shot that the Texas Air National Guard was actually called to service, I’m sure he would’ve found a way out of it. He would’ve been the only one who stayed back. “I’m just waiting for the Cong to get to Arlington! The Cong won’t mess with Texas!”

Man, I do not trust this administration, and would not be all that shocked if they find Osama right before the election! Like the day before Election Day, Osama will just magically show up.

“We found him, we found Osama! He was in the White House basement the whole time! It’s always the last place you look, I guess. It was actually a pretty crazy scene. He was wearing a Kerry ‘04 t-shirt at the time, and listening to a Dixie Chicks CD.”

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