Monday, April 19, 2004

Rockstars That Need to Die

Here is the unedited version of an article I submitted for No Reply Magazine:

As this April 5th marked the ten-year anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death, I was again reminded about how unfair and ironic life could be. Some of the greatest musicians of all time, Bob Marley, Janis Joplin, and Jimi Hendrix to name a few, died very young and in, arguably, the prime of their lives and careers. In recent years, we have lost Joey Ramone, Joe Strummer and Elliot Smith way too soon.

The irony here lies in this harsh fact: Many musicians who should die sooner, LIVE FOREVER!

In response, I have created a list of musicians I think need to die.

GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE

ANDREW W.K.-What the fuck? He really, really sucks! He must have some family in the record business because there is no way he got a contract on his own. Seriously, have you heard the dung he is releasing as music? Song titles include: “It’s time to Party,” “Long live the Party,” “Party ‘til you puke,” and the legendary…”Party Hard.” Apparently, there has been some debate as to whether his music is “so-dumb-it's-smart.” Here are lyrics from “Party Hard”: You work all night , And when you work you don't feel all right , And We can't stop feeling all right, And everything is all right. Yes, that’s right…he rhymed “all right” with “all right.” And then did it again!The sickest part is that this is his BEST SONG! My final reason to kill Andrew W.K. is the fact, my friend, Warren Dubitsky likes him. “It was awesome because he drank a whole handle of vodka and then smashed his head with a brick. I was loving it.” Your honor, the prosecution rests.

Method of Death: Drinking Drano W.K.


FRED DURST- Yeah, he’s definitely off Carson Daly’s speed dial. It is so pathetic how much this nu-metal “has-been” wants hip-hop credibility. Here is a fake, but very likely, conversation between Mr. Durst and Method Man.

FD: Yo Meth, hook me up with another rap duet/ career saver joint.

MM: No way, one more of those and Wu-Tang will replace me with either Cappadonna or Seth Green.

FD: C’mon son, just one more.

MM: Suck my dick, Fred…yo, I was kidding…seriously, get up!!

Method of Death: Drive by shooting masterminded by Kid Rock, beginning the legendary “baseball hat/ cowboy hat” rivalry.


PUFF DADDY- After his extremely obese friend gets murdered in a drive-by shooting, Puff decides to make a tribute album for him…and a ton of money for himself. Though this is not nearly as bad as the way Death Row is using Tupac (which is equivalent to necrophilia) it is still terrible. Oh, ok…I’m really just jealous of him. He has had sex with Jennifer Lopez, has his own clothing line and has millions of dollars for simply making mix tapes of other people’s hit records and saying “uh huh, yeah” and “Bad Boy for life” on top of them. And by the way, I’m NOT calling him P.Diddy! That was an inside joke between him and his friends and so, on a whim, he made it his new persona…and it worked! That is fucking repulsive! You don’t hear people calling me “Colonel H-man” in public, do you?

Method of Death: Unoriginality.


JOHN MAYER-He is a pervert and weirdo disguised as a sweet and sensitive singer- songwriter. But alas, John, you slipped! In the song, "Your Body Is A Wonderland,” Mayer croons “Discover me Discovering you.” Hmm…that’s interesting. I believe what he's describing is a SEXUAL ASSAULT.

Let me rephrase his lyrics so it illustrates my point a little clearer:

"You did not know I was exploring your body and now you do and you will be surprised by this. Surprise!"

He makes his intent even more clear later in the song when he sings “I’ll use my hands.” I’m sure you will John, you sick fuck.

Method of Death: Dave Matthews will finally kill him for ripping off his voice.


LIAM AND NOEL GALLAGHER- I hate these cocky, overrated motherfuckers. They had the gall to claim Oasis was better than the Beatles! Look, I’ll freely admit that I am not as familiar with the work of the Beatles as I should (especially considering I am the music director of a radio station) but besides “What’s the Story (Morning Glory)?” what other Oasis record made some sort of worldwide impact. I also dislike these bitches because I saw an interview on TV with Noel Gallagher (the ugly one), about ten years ago where he told Damon Albarn of Blur “to kill himself and take a couple of the Spin Doctors with you.” Hey Noel…why don’t you kill yourself and take your low-life brother with you…and a couple of the Spin Doctors.

Method of Death: Death during attempted surgical separation of their Siamese egos.


MARILYN MANSON- Ok, ok, we get it…you’re scary! Yes, we are sufficiently frightened. You stupid piece of shit. I used to think he was pretty awesome like 5 or 6 years ago when there were rumors he was actually the kid who played Paul Pfeiffer on The Wonder Years. When those proved to be false, I still thought he was awesome because I was told he removed one of his ribs so he could felate himself…yes, the American dream. But when that also proved to be false, I was left with a male anorexic who tries to be a badass by wearing different colored contact lenses and playing crappy music. That might work on some suicidal teenager who is looking for a cult hero to die vicariously through, but it is not working with me, buster.

Method of Death: One of his fake boobs from the “Dope Show” video springs a fatal leak.


COURTNEY LOVE- If Kurt Cobain were alive to see what has become of his wife…he’d kill himself. She’s a pathetic mess. When Kurt was alive, Hole was awesome. When Kurt died, Hole was not quite as awesome anymore. Hmm…interesting. I mean seriously, Celebrity Skin fucking sucked. She’s unoriginal and a hack. Sometimes she wants to be a controversial Hollywood figure, like when she repeatedly flashed David Letterman last month. Sometimes she tries to be a rock ‘n roll badass on stage like Wendy O. Williams (except Ms. Williams pulled ten times the crazy shit she did on stage) Courtney Love is no longer cool and her attempt to stay famous is like seeing a bald man get hair plugs. It’s been over for a while, let it go.

Method of Death: Heroin.


RADIOHEAD- They are too good and they need to be stopped before they fuck things up. It’s just a matter of time before they do something crazy (or “experimental” as they like to say) like trying to make music without instruments or collaborating with Puff Daddy.

Method of Death: “The bends”….hahaha, get it? No? How about “myxomatosis?” or “iron lung” or…


THOUGHT ABOUT IT...PUT THE IMAGINARY GUN DOWN

BRITNEY SPEARS- Yes, her music sucks, but she is still very, very hot…and I am still a heterosexual male.

THE OLSEN TWINS- I’m just waiting for them to make an album, so I can justify putting them on the top ten list. Trust me though; it’s just a matter of time before their metaphorical pimp-like parents find a way to make money off their metaphorical whore-like daughters via the music industry.

BLINK 182- What’s the point anymore? The music industry has already cloned them a thousand times over.

RIVERS CUOMO- He turned Weezer from the greatest band of the post-grunge era into a Ratt cover band. He lives because Weezer got me through high school, and I still hold out hope they’ll return to form one day. They are the ex-girlfriend I hate, but still hope to get back together with at some point in the very uncertain future. Not that I know what it feels like to have an ex-girlfriend…or a girlfriend, for that matter…but I can still imagine what it might feel like by living vicariously through Cory and Topanga’s relationship on Boy Meets World.

Ah yes, I made reference to both Savage brothers’ television programs. My life and this article are complete.