Friday, January 28, 2005

I still can't believe I did this...

This is an e-mail I sent a professor once in the beginning of sophomore year when my study habits were absolutely horrendous, and my most impressive trait was my ability to make up elaborate stories:

Hello Professor,
As you'll notice by the time on this e-mail, I should be in class right now. I do, however, have a very valid reason why I'm not. I will describe this reason neatly in the next paragraph.

So, I'm in the shower at 8:50 am, as I am every Tuesday and Thursday morning just before I run cross campus from my dorm in Chamberlain Hall to Smith Auditorium where I show up approximately 5 minutes late for your class. Today, however, was different. As I was in the middle of washing my hair, I noticed blinking red and white lights and heard very loud beeping sounds. At first, I was surprised and thought to myself: "Hey, this usually doesn't happen when I'm in the shower." Then I realized that it was the fire alarm and that I should probably get out of the shower and run outside before I burned to death. I, however, first rinsed out my hair to get the shampoo out of it. I'm sure there's a sociological and/or psychological reason for why I would do so, but I will not get into that in this paper. I mean...this e-mail.

Getting back to the point, I went outside in my towel and waited quite a while for the firemen to go through the building to make sure everyone got out. They would soon discover that there was not a fire, at all. Someone had pulled the fire alarm as a joke! A JOKE! Can you imagine that? Someone endangered my life and the lives of my classmates for A JOKE.

At this point it was about 9:35 am (35 minutes after class started). I would've ran over to class right then, but I was just in a towel and I thought this might be inappropriate attire for class. By the time I went back to my room and got ready for class, it would have been too late. This is why I decided to stay here and write you this e-mail to let you know what happened.

I have that research paper with me that was due today, and that I could not give you in class. Can I hand it to you later today? I would e-mail it, but I don't have a saved copy on my computer here, but on one at home. (I actually finished my paper at home over Fall Break a week ago! This is what I get for being a nerd!) I'll definitely bring it over to your office by tomorrow morning. Right now, as you can probably understand I'm both mentally and physically exhausted from the morning's events, and need to get back to bed.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience.


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Snow is dumb.

My brother's view on shoveling snow:

"What's the point? It all melts eventually, and you end up feeling like an idiot."

Oh shit, this journal is getting bloggy. Did I just say "bloggy?" Fuck! It's over, folks. Goodbye McSweeny's.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Well, that was odd...

Lardmann (4:51:48 PM): Want to know my object of the day?
WeezerReference594 (4:51:54 PM): What???
Lardmann (4:52:02 PM): My object of the day.
WeezerReference594 (4:52:19 PM): what is it?
Lardmann (4:52:38 PM): Whiskey from 1812 aged in a crate made from Noah's Arc and Guttenberg bibles.
WeezerReference594 (4:52:56 PM): What the hell are you talking about?
Lardmann (4:53:03 PM): I think its hysterical
Lardmann (4:53:07 PM): perhaps im an idiot
WeezerReference594 (4:55:24 PM): hahaha

Sunday, January 16, 2005


Have you ever thought to yourself "Dinosaurs? What the fuck? That happened??"

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Rock bottom?

Some really crappy thoughts/joke ideas that made me wonder if I had hit a creative rock bottom this week:

1) Are cauliflower and broccoli cousins?

2) I'm Indian. Not like the Indians who fought the cowboys. I'm talking about the Indians who are "cow-boys."

3) "Mad About You" in very small doses, late at night, can be a very enjoyable television program.

4) I hope I never meet a superhero because where there's a superhero, there's probably some trouble.

5) "Santa, give me your arms. I was a good boy this year, and I thought we had a verbal agreement that I could have anything I wanted if I was good. I want your arms, Santa."

6) I am 20 pounds overweight for my height. I could exercise, but I'm still holding out hope for one more growth spurt.

7) What's with the phrase "I wouldn't be caught dead doing so and so..." (I never thought of an example or punch line for this idea, but I tried to convince someone it was a legitimate joke)

8) Apparently crying doesn't burn as many calories as I'd hoped.

9) Dieting is hard. I'll start eating a carton of cookies and when I think I'm done, the cookie next in line starts talking to me. "Please don't leave me here. Please. I'll die." Every time I eat it turns into "Sophie's Choice."

10) There were many things in the show "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" that never quite made any sense, (I really should have stopped here, but I kept writing) but one in particular really bugs me.

I mean, it was a detective/ mystery themed show. The chief made sense. The gumshoes made sense. You could probably even justify why the host Greg Lee made sense.

But Rockapella? Why on earth do you need a "hip" acapella group to solve mysteries? How the hell does that happen?