Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Is hair-loss "Bogging" you down?

Wade Boggs, was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame this year with a career .328 average, 3010 hits, 12 all-star game selections, and a world championship in 1996. He was one of the premier hitters of the 1980s, and was living what would easily be considered a dream life to the average, baseball-obsessed American. But Wade Boggs was not happy. Wade Boggs was not complete. Wade Boggs... was losing his HAIR.

As the pop-up shown below from the hair-growth company "Medical Hair Restoration" illustrates, even with millions of dollars, celebrity, and a lifetime of avoiding actual "work," you can still be miserable. If "baseball legend" Wade Boggs is so unhappy (and perhaps, so broke) that he would sacrifice his self-respect to do advertisements for a company that apparently can stimulate a few more hair follicles ... can there really be hope for the rest of us, who are threatened with hair-loss, to ever find happiness? What about me? I batted .000 my 3rd and last year in Little League (yes, you read that right...0-for-44 with 44 strikeouts, not a single ball put into play). Am I doomed to be self-conscious forever?

Before: 3010 Hits, and dignity.
After: Zero Hits, no dignity...but some more hair! Posted by Hello

In addition, why the hell does Wade Boggs have pink hair in the "after" shot? Getting the plugs put in (and bad plugs at that, really look at the picture) is enough of an indication of a mid-life crisis, but pink hair? C'mon man! Are you Wade Boggs or Mike Pagliarulo? (Only 2 people will understand this reference...because only 2 people read this page.)

I wonder if anyone has taken the name "Wade Bloggs" on blogger? I wouldn't take it because this isn't a blog, it's a reputable humour journal written for wide-scale public consumption. I'm a writer. Take me seriously, dammit!

P.S. For your information:

Sunday, March 27, 2005

A filthy take on history, race relations, and love making.

WeezerReference594 (12:49:29 AM): Strom Thurmond had jungle fever! Who knew?
TheNotoriousHINDU (12:49:51 AM): yup
WeezerReference594 (12:50:37 AM): He supported segregation, yet his WHITE penis was best friends with a BLACK vagina for a time.
TheNotoriousHINDU (12:50:42 AM): For 30 seconds intervals, to be exact.
WeezerReference594 (12:50:46 AM): That old codger!
TheNotoriousHINDU (12:51:08 AM): Separate but equal… in the cooch.
WeezerReference594 (12:51:31 AM): hahaha
TheNotoriousHINDU (12:51:40 AM): He supported the Jim Cooch laws.
TheNotoriousHINDU (12:52:11 AM): From the landmark case, Pussy vs. Ferguson.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Quick TV Roundup

Some observations about various television programs I have seen in the last few months…ok, ok…that I've seen this week.

- After watching Ken Burns’ documentary about early 20th century boxer Jack Johnson, I have concluded that he is probably a white man’s biggest fear: A large Black man whose two most favorite things were HAVING SEX WITH WHITE WOMEN and BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF WHITE MEN.

He is now in my all-time heroes list with such figures as Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Jackie Robinson.

- On a rerun of the Tony Danza Show, Tony had the surprise of a lifetime for his middle-aged, all white, female audience… Barry Manilow!

Barry sang his song “Lola,” and the audience cheered as Tony was behind a fake bar mixing fake drinks, and grinning like a moron.

When the cameras panned the audience, you discover that some of the women were not all that excited about seeing Barry Manilow. For every woman who screamed in delight, there was someone who looked like they really didn’t give a shit. They probably looked at their watches and realized it was 2005.

Or perhaps they were holding out hope for Michael Bolton or Neil Diamond.

The funniest part of show was when Barry Manilow sang:“

His name….err…her name is Lola, she was a showgirl.”

This is hysterical because:

1) He got lyrics wrong to a song that he’s had to sing at least a billion times in his wretched “career” as a balladeer.

2) “His” name?? Why would he say “his name?” Makes you think for a second. (The thought being that Barry Manilow is in the closet about his homosexuality, and this error was a Freudian slip.) Not that there's anything wrong with him coming out. I just find the idea of someone coming out who cultivated an image as a sex symbol for his female fans, in order to sell records, very funny. You ladies, have been duped!

With George Michael, you could have called it for years.

With Barry Manilow, the signs weren't so obvious.

At the same time, who the fuck's BARRY MANILOW.

- I love those morons who are on E!'s Wild On or MTV’s Spring Break coverage and say things like “What happens in Cancun stays in Cancun.” You’re talking into a camera…what happens in Cancun, might NOT stay in Cancun.” MTV isn’t really closed circuit television. Your girlfriend is going to see you doing blowjob shots with that sexy blonde co-ed from South East Tennessee Junior College.

- I just saw Rudy Guliani get interviewed on this documentary “Nine innings from Ground Zero” about the Yankees' miraculous late inning World Series wins against the Arizona Diamondbacks in 2001 after the September 11th tragedy.

He said “The Yankees wins really lifted the spirits of the city of New York.”


I guess if you were a Mets was still fucked up.

If you were not a baseball fan at all, these victories could have meant nothing to you, or might have made your life even worse.

“First September 11th happened, and now everyone in the office won’t stop talking about baseball. I hate baseball! This is horrible.”

The whole concept that baseball could “lift up the spirits of the city” to begin with is RIDICULOUS.

If you lost someone meaningful on September 11th, do you think the Yankees meant anything?

(Boy crying to himself, looking out the window)

“Dad, I miss yo…what? The Yankees won? Back to back home runs? That’s amazing…but how?”

(Looks at the stars.)

“Thanks Dad. I think I’m finally out of this post-9/11 funk. Everything is back to normal.”

They're making the Yankees' wins sound like the most shocking, most unprecedented event to ever take place. If we remember, just two months earlier 2 planes crashed into the World Trade Center in downtown event that might qualify, in some books, as even more unexpected. Where's the fucking perspective???