Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I can't sleep.

Well, the new pope is officially Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, destroying my dreams of writing more Black pope jokes. Cardinal Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, received at least 2/3 of the votes from the College of Cardinals. As I assumed, the recent steroids scandal hurt Mark McGwire’s chances at the papacy as he received a measly 2 votes, most likely coming from the St. Louis Cardinals. (Thinking about making this terrible joke has kept me up for the last two hours, and forced me to write this entry.)

Here are some other random thoughts and memories to share, while I’m awake:

- In this country, Mexicans are considered both hard working and lazy. They’re apparently taking all our jobs, but are also living off the government because they are too lazy to find work.

"They sneak over the border, cut my grass, clean my house, take care of my kids, and then have the nerve to sleep at night and ask for weekends off! LAZY MEXICAN BASTARDS!"

I’ve never heard of a society giving a people such a mixed racist message.

- One of my best friends once told me that my attempts to be funny would "single-handedly ruin comedy." All comedy clubs will close down, all movies will become dramas, and laughter will be banned. We’ll give this prediction five more years to work out.

- When I played Little League baseball, I used to chew miniature tootsie rolls like chewing tobacco and spit out chocolate juice. Many of the parents found my antics very amusing, and a pleasant distraction from all the losing we were doing. They didn't even mind all the striking out, and even gave me the nickname "Hari the K." However, when we started winning, my clowning and .000 batting average became less endearing. (As I previously stated, during my third and last year in Little League. 0-44, with 44 strikeouts. Most likely a record.)

-My father thinks you can find anything on the internet by typing .com after it. For plane tickets to India he asked me to check “PlaneticketstoIndia.com”

Hari: Dad, it doesn’t work that way.

Dad: Just do it.

(I type it into the address bar on Internet Explorer, and wait for it to get rejected.)

Hari: See it doesn’t work.

Dad: Did you spell India right?

Hari: Yes, yes, I spelled it right. It doesn’t…

Dad: Ok, ok try typing…”planeticketstoandhrapradeshstate.com.”

“Dad…”

“Type it!”

One of my biggest fears is that eventually one of these ridiculous addresses will lead us to a Desi porn site. Some Indian pervert/ entrepreneur is going to notice a trend and cash in on it.

“Uncles don’t know anything about computers, and I’m sure some of them like Desi Tranny porn…lets see if this works.”

- I believe it is a women's right to choose what she does with her body. However, the idea of ending a potential human life still bothers me a great deal. What could’ve been the future of that young embryo?

Well, here’s an important thing I keep in mind: Some of those embryos have NO FUTURE. Some of these future babies will turn into future assholes. Assholes who will treat you like shit when you get older and make fun of you when you strike out in Little League.

“Get back on the bench, Diaper-head! You’re stinking up the field!”

“Sorry coach! Can my mom have the hundred dollars back that she invested in my baseball training?”

I’m digressing. Where were we? Oh yeah…asshole babies. We need to find a way to detect and eliminate these babies before they become asshole adults. I don’t know how, but it's really not my job to find out. I’m more of an ideas man.

Finally, here is another picture of a famous baseball player looking like a complete moron:


Goddamnit, Mattingly! Yes, I know you were on an episode of The Simpsons once, but what the fuck are you doing here? Posted by Hello

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

at least you kept your dignity from your 0-44 little league performance by not taking an aluminum bat to another players head.

-mark p

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the Cardinals joke, man.

-themoFLo

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My father thinks that a "Saws All" will really saw ALL. We now have two of these powertool thingies because he broke the first one...attempting to saw the door off a refrigerator we were throwing out.

:) your planeticketstoindia.com story cracked me up!

-Lauren

6:27 PM  
Blogger afischer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:34 AM  
Blogger afischer said...

I am pretty sure I thought you couldn't become more emo... but now you have a blog. As long as you haven't written any poetry yet I think we will be ok.

So just slap on some headphones and start listening to They Might Be Giants and make sure you have noce thin rimmed glasses on and you should be fine.

-Andy

PS: you better not be blaspheming against the Pope. I think you are already on God's shit list... you know for not accepting his son as your personal savior.

10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Hari, it's Matt Roberts! From Bowdoin... I was that guy... I-- do you remember me? Anyway, I was just perusing through your blog and decided I had to comment on a few things. First of all, do you know what I love about Don Mattingly? The fact that he's sticking with the porno moustache even though it's 2005. God bless that man. Speaking of which -- you're not going to believe this, Hari -- apparently this year's World Moustache Championships are being held in Berlin (in my own back yard!): http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/
Will Mattingly show up to represent the Stars and Stripes? We shall see. Also, I think you make a fair point about the dangers of internet-savvy pervert/entrepenuers exploiting the unknowing. It sounds lucrative. Do you think I have what it takes to be a pervert/entrepenuer? Could one put "pervert/entrepenuer" on a resumé? So many questions...

7:19 AM  

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