Saturday, April 23, 2005

Man, I really want falafel right now.

Some confused, and frightened ramblings from recent graduates of an elite liberal arts college in New England:

ItsGodsWillyBoy (6:59:32 PM): Do you ever watch crappy TV or movies and pretend that you are analyzing them as an intellectual study of pop culture?
WeezerReference594 (6:59:39 PM): Yes, of course. The analysis makes me feel productive.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (6:59:57 PM): It makes me feel so superior
WeezerReference594 (7:02:38 PM): thank god for the internet, otherwise all my "research" would be wasted
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:03:04 PM): I too should get published on the internet and present my brilliant analyses to the world. I could probably make the appearance of real, valuable enterprise.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:03:09 PM): Blogs aren't the same as intellectual journals, but I would argue, equally deluded
WeezerReference594 (7:03:32 PM): haha
WeezerReference594 (7:07:39 PM): I have constructed an interesting little world for myself online. I better not get too comfortable. I might not know how to live in the real world. WeezerReference594 (7:08:19 PM): or "concrete reality" as me and rest of the cyber cowboys (read: nerds) refer to it.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:08:46 PM): I have seen the ease with which you navigate the pitfalls and dangers of the "real world"
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:09:32 PM): you are a man of all worlds: a modern renaissance man
WeezerReference594 (7:09:56 PM): no, my friend... you are.
WeezerReference594 (7:10:18 PM): In a few months, you will become a community health coordinator in Zambia. You must use all your skills in a job like that.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:11:55 PM): Yes, I am so very prepared for that assignment
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:12:13 PM): B.A. in English, Class of 2004
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:11:19 PM): Oh man, I'm going to help those poor black bastards so fucking much!
WeezerReference594 (7:12:29 PM): I’ve met Peace Corps volunteers before. They teach English, build homes, provide medicine…
WeezerReference594 (7:12:33 PM): They seem to do everything besides give these people what they really needed.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:12:40 PM): which is?
WeezerReference594 (7:12:45 PM): some Jesus H. Christ
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:12:47 PM): Yes! Hallelujah!
WeezerReference594 (7:13:31 PM): By the time you are done with them, they'll have so many useful ideas and beliefs.
WeezerReference594 (7:14:04 PM): and a book to help guide them through the "pitfalls and dangers" of modern life in a poor African country.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:14:10 PM): Moral freaking values! It's all in there!
WeezerReference594 (7:14:38 PM): we better become partners in a bible making business
WeezerReference594 (7:15:00 PM): after your done with them, send them to me, and then we can make some serious dough
WeezerReference594 (7:15:05 PM): your=you're
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:16:19 PM): I’m sorry for the delayed response, I was having trouble understanding what you wrote. Your poor grammar and lack of capitalization and punctuation disoriented me.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:16:22 PM): B.A. in English, 2004
WeezerReference594 (7:16:30 PM): I have been told that I am a very grammatically correct person online.
WeezerReference594 (7:16:43 PM): most people write the word you as "u"
WeezerReference594 (7:16:49 PM): and love as "luv"
WeezerReference594 (7:16:59 PM): and later as “l8er”
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:17:30 PM): horrific!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:18:13 PM): isn't there a danger of translating this online sloppiness into emails to people you should be showing respect towards?
WeezerReference594 (7:18:36 PM): I don't know.
WeezerReference594 (7:18:42 PM): I'm very careful when I write e-mails.
WeezerReference594 (7:18:52 PM): but… I am really fucking smart!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:19:07 PM): that's good, I am too
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:19:21 PM): I know exactly when to criticize people for being dumb
WeezerReference594 (7:20:15 PM): ME TOO
WeezerReference594 (7:20:25 PM): which is whenever you want to and whenever they are not there.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:20:31 PM): A very useful skill, indeed.
WeezerReference594 (7:21:01 PM): My skills are stalking people online and criticizing people who seem content with their lives.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:21:19 PM): I am good at seeing someone reading USA today
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:21:34 PM): and making a mental note about how stupid they must be
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:21:53 PM): or watching someone enter the Disney store and making a similar declaration
WeezerReference594 (7:22:22 PM): A friend of mine once used the word "ironical" in a sentence.
WeezerReference594 (7:22:27 PM): I tried correcting her.
WeezerReference594 (7:22:35 PM): She then used it again 5 minutes later.
WeezerReference594 (7:22:43 PM): I had a field day in my head after that one.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:23:23 PM): I've heard the word "ironical" used numerous times and meant to check it out before mocking the person
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:23:33 PM): One time Alex and I were in hysterics over this moron in class who used the word “fundaments.”
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:24:01 PM): the next class we had a reading that had the word in it about fifty times
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:24:26 PM): It was written by a Harvard professor.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:24:44 PM): that was humbling
WeezerReference594 (7:25:04 PM): you never mentioned this
WeezerReference594 (7:25:14 PM): why did you not mention this to me?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:25:30 PM): It made me look stupid
WeezerReference594 (7:25:38 PM): My god. It's like telling a child there is no Santa.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:25:43 PM): I only tell you about things that make me look smart
WeezerReference594 (7:25:54 PM): Of course.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:27:49 PM): that conversation was meant to make me look compassionate and benevolent
WeezerReference594 (7:29:08 PM): GODDAMMIT, IRONICAL IS A WORD! I just looked it up on dictionary.com.
WeezerReference594 (7:29:13 PM): SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
WeezerReference594 (7:29:20 PM): I am a pretentious fuck.
WeezerReference594 (7:29:25 PM): and an idiot apparently.
WeezerReference594 (7:29:28 PM): I too have been greatly humbled.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:30:35 PM): let's get back to padding each other's egos
WeezerReference594 (7:30:42 PM): Agreed.
WeezerReference594 (7:30:56 PM): You were on an intramural championship hockey team in college.
WeezerReference594 (7:31:04 PM): The captain, in fact.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:31:24 PM): Your last comedy show was the single best event Professor Rembrandt had ever seen at Bowdoin.
WeezerReference594 (7:32:02 PM): That made me so happy, even though I had never taken a class with her.
WeezerReference594 (7:32:07 PM): In fact, I didn't even personally know her.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:33:03 PM): All you really knew was that she was somewhat pretentious and had high standards, judging by the way she insulted her students.
WeezerReference594 (7:34:01 PM): And that impressed me.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:34:12 PM): these are in fact the qualities that have propelled me towards my own pedestal upon which I am currently perched
WeezerReference594 (7:34:16 PM): She was like you and me, but with a PHD!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:34:24 PM): Exactly.
WeezerReference594 (7:34:37 PM): She had documentation that she was better than most people.
WeezerReference594 (7:34:46 PM): and was given a pedestal to speak from.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:34:58 PM): yes, a legitimate one
WeezerReference594 (7:34:59 PM): Her opinions were respected.
WeezerReference594 (7:35:08 PM): Damn, that makes me want to be a professor.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:35:29 PM): yes
WeezerReference594 (7:35:33 PM): Some one with "authority" in a given area.
WeezerReference594 (7:35:52 PM): "respect"
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:36:19 PM): and permission to bullshit
WeezerReference594 (7:36:30 PM): I want permission to bullshit and talk all fancy.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:36:37 PM): It’s “factually” backed-up bullshit
WeezerReference594 (7:36:51 PM): Which is backed up by other bullshitters.
WeezerReference594 (7:36:57 PM): who have more degrees
WeezerReference594 (7:37:01 PM): and more bullshit research
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:37:13 PM): yes, with some very wealthy people backing them up, ultimately
WeezerReference594 (7:37:27 PM): And that is all you need: rich people to back you up.
WeezerReference594 (7:37:47 PM):
We need some rich people, Willy. And they need to back us up.
WeezerReference594 (7:37:58 PM): Find the richest people in Zambia (or in your village in Zambia).
WeezerReference594 (7:38:32 PM): I say we will build a university there.
WeezerReference594 (7:39:18 PM): I will teach History, Political Science, and Standup Comedy as Literature (to fill the English requirement for science geeks)
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:39:32 PM):
and get honorary degrees for doing so!
WeezerReference594 (7:39:45 PM): Degrees? Hell, let’s get Honorary Doctorates!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:39:53 PM): And in this country, we will be allowed to use those honorary doctorates.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:40:34 PM): Most people who get doctorates are far too accomplished and have far too much self respect to do so.
WeezerReference594 (7:41:01 PM): not us
WeezerReference594 (7:41:09 PM): we will use them as stepping stones to greatness
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:41:26 PM):
yes
WeezerReference594 (7:41:26 PM): I'm sure we can bribe someone in Zambia to get our university accredited.
WeezerReference594 (7:41:46 PM): am I correct in assuming so?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:42:03 PM): oh yeah, for like 10 bucks
WeezerReference594 (7:42:15 PM): I can borrow the 10 bucks from my mom.
WeezerReference594 (7:42:24 PM): or sell some of my books online
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:42:55 PM): Hey, let's rename Zambia while we're at it. It doesn't sound “intellectual” enough.
WeezerReference594 (7:43:10 PM): You are correct.
WeezerReference594 (7:43:16 PM): Too "ethnic."
WeezerReference594 (7:43:24 PM): We won't gain credibility in America. (Which, obviously, is our real goal.)
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:43:36 PM): Right
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:44:23 PM): And getting credibility from one of those colored schools like Morehouse or Howard isn't enough
WeezerReference594 (7:44:37 PM): We need a school that had slaveowners as trustees at some point.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:44:51 PM): I want Harvard!
WeezerReference594 (7:46:03 PM): Hmm...we still haven't come up with a new name for Zambia.
WeezerReference594 (7:46:15 PM): How about the University of Zambia?
WeezerReference594 (7:46:29 PM): If the whole country was a big campus, wouldn't that be amazing?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:46:32 PM): Intelligensia?
WeezerReference594 (7:46:40 PM): wow
WeezerReference594 (7:46:47 PM): that's awesome
WeezerReference594 (7:46:54 PM): yes!
WeezerReference594 (7:47:16 PM): The people of Intelligensia will be known as "intellectuals."
WeezerReference594 (7:47:42 PM): And since the whole country will be run as a college, with everyone going to school, that would make sense.
WeezerReference594 (7:48:00 PM): We would be running the college… and the nation!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:48:26 PM): And rightly so, fellow PHD.
WeezerReference594 (7:49:08 PM): I feel so damn important right now.
WeezerReference594 (7:49:20 PM): So relevant and useful.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:49:46 PM): do you think we should wait to start referring to ourselves as doctors?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:50:18 PM): I'm ready to start operating right now…
WeezerReference594 (7:50:51 PM): I am too.
WeezerReference594 (7:51:00 PM): And after we are taken to jail...
WeezerReference594 (7:51:08 PM): we most definitely could plead insanity.
WeezerReference594 (7:51:58 PM): Wow, the disparity between “what we envisioned” and “what our realities are” is amazing.
WeezerReference594 (7:52:10 PM): Some would even say "ironical."
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:53:20 PM): our "fundaments" were imaginary
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:54:47 PM): Hari, you should come back to the West Coast. Nobody works here, and everyone is smart and wonderfully self proclaimed humanitarians.
WeezerReference594 (7:54:14 PM): Man, I want a falafel right now.
WeezerReference594 (7:54:22 PM): this sux.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:54:28 PM): no shit

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"isn't there a danger of translating this online sloppiness into emails to people you should be showing respect towards?" Don't you mean, towards whom you should be showing respect? Oh, burn! (Grammar irony... I'm a little ashamed of pointing this out, but B.A. in English, 2004 might appreciate it...)

3:19 PM  

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