Monday, April 18, 2005

She's Got Vatican Fever!

So there's been some discussion of the possibility of the college of cardinals electing the first Black pope, Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria.

What I find most interesting about this selection is the effect it will have on a segment of the Italian-American community that is extremely racist, and abhors Black people.

(For those of you unfamiliar with this racism, please see Spike Lee's Jungle Fever, Do the Right Thing, or Eddie Murphy Raw.)

Imagine a young Italian-American girl, formally scared to death of bringing her African-American boyfriend home, now doing so with some confidence.

(Setting: Howard Beach, Queens, Sometime in 2006. Joe, Mary, and their son Joe Jr. are having lunch when their daughter Theresa walks in with an unexpected guest. )

Theresa: Mom, and Dad...I want you to meet someone.

Father: Hey, how are....what the fuck?? Oh, this better be the mailman.

Theresa: No, he is not the mail man. He is my boyfriend Lebron, and I love him.

Joe Jr.: Oh shit!

(Mother passes out)

Father (removing belt): Yeah, lets see if he loves you with your nose broken.

Lebron: Sir, I really don't feel that is an appropriate...

Father: You shut the fuck up you _______ (any variety of racial slurs against African Americans could be used here, once again see previously mentioned films.)

Theresa: Dad, you can't be this way anymore. It ain't right.

Father: Why the fuck not? Our people shouldn't mix, it's the way it is.

Theresa: Not anymore, I mean...THE POPE IS BLACK!

Father: Damnit, I knew this would happen if I sent you to NYU.

Theresa: Actually, I think Lebron is actually related to the pope.

Lebron: Actually Theresa, I'm Bapt...

(Theresa steps on his foot)

Lebron: Oww...yeah the Pope is on my father's side.

Theresa: See! If the Vatican can accept a Black man, then why can't we, good Catholics, do the same?

Mother: (Regaining consciousness) She's right, Joe. Times are changing.

(Lebron puts his hand forward)

Father: (Sighs) (Shakes Lebron's hand)

Joe Jr.: Hey Dad, while we're in this really socially progressive mood, remember that friend from college I brought home over Spring Break.

Father: What about him?

Joe Jr.: He's my boyfriend. I'm gay.

(Everyone, except Joe Jr., starts laughing)

Father: Good one JJ. Hey, we got the next Andrew Dice Clay over here!

Joe Jr.: Yes...(sighs)...the next Dice man.

Father Joe: Danny Aiello

Mother Mary: Ellen Travolta
Theresa: Marisa Tomei
Lebron: Lebron James
Joe Jr.: Mario Cantone


Post a Comment

<< Home