Thursday, July 21, 2005

The sketch that might have changed my life...

For years now I've tried to figure out how I got rejected from 5 out of the 6 colleges I applied to my senior year of high school. I had the grades to easily make 3 of them, and reasonable shots at the other 3. So what happened?

Today, while going through some old floppy discs, I found the answer.

I had written a satirical sketch about cigarette smoking that I thought was ridiculously funny and brilliant social commentary. I had performed the sketch 1 or 2 times at school and no one ever found it even remotely humorous. I assumed it was because my writing was too sophisticated for the high school mind. However, I was sure college admissions officers would be blown away by it. "Wow, it looks like we've got the next Jonathan Swift on our hands here. Sign this man up!"

I sent it to the 5 schools I really cared about...and would eventually get rejected by.

Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy the cause of my great misfortune:

Cigarettes: They ain't nothing wrong with that!

(Kid playing jacks)

(Marlboro Man and Joe Camel enter)

Marlboro Man: Hey Kid!!

Joe Camel: How are ya?

Kid: Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.

Marlboro Man:
We're not strangers. I'm the Marlboro Man!!

Joe Camel: Yeah, and I'm Joe Camel. You've seen us in magazines, billboards, and wherever fine cigarettes are sold.

Kid: Wait, if you're Joe Camel, where are your camel-like humps?

Joe Camel: Well, I found out that they weren't humps. They were actually giant tumors. I luckily had them removed before the cancer spread.

Kid: Um..ok, I'll buy that. Anyway, so what do you guys want?

Joe Camel: Well, we want to introduce you to the wonderful world of smoking.

Kid: But the surgeon general says smoking is hazardous to your health.

Marlboro Man:
Well what does he know!! We're tobacco experts! We'll tell you if they're not healthy. And trust me, there is nothing more healthy than a fine Carolina smoke.

(Joe Camel takes out a cigarette, and lights it)

Joe Camel: (takes puff) Oh Yeah!! (Starts coughing violently, and then grabs chest)

Kid: Are you okay Mr. Camel?

Marlboro Man: Yeah, he's ok. It's just a non-smoking related heart problem.

(Joe Camel falls to the ground, possibly cussing as he goes down, and starts convulsing.)

He's turning blue!!

Marlboro Man: Alright, alright. Hold on.

(goes backstage to get defribulators, then comes back rubs them, puts them on chest and yells)

CLEAR!!! 1,2,3!!! CLEAR!!!

(Joe starts coughing and then gets up)

Joe Camel: WOAH!!! That was a close one!!

Kid: Are you ok, Mr. Camel?

Joe: Yeah, sure, it happens all the time. But remember it's completely non-smoking related!!!

Marlboro Man: So kid, wanna try a cigarette, now?

Kid: Well, ok.

(Marlboro Man gives a cigarette to the kid, Joe, and takes one out for himself, then they start smoking)

Kid: Mmm, that is pretty good!! (Says this while coughing)

Marlboro Man: Told ya!! 100% healthy!!

Joe Camel: Ya 100% health… (grabs chest, and falls to the floor)

Marlboro Man and Kid: (together) Cigarettes, they're really not that bad!!!


Blogger Abhishek said...

ahh... hmm...smoking...hehe...pretty cool.. i really liked the one about Haliday and you in the dining hall at funnny..

anyways, check out my blog too ;) if u get time ;)

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Kate said...

I think I speak for the group when I say: I'm interestes in more about and from High School Hari. Let's see the cheese, my friend! It's brilliant!! :)

11:28 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

well hari, bowdoin is glad you wrote that story.
-ben kreider

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very Enjoyable!

-Kennith Wexler

12:08 AM  

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