Tuesday, April 26, 2005

They're trying to kill me...PART I

Here is another piece of my self-indulgent, ego-inflating, post-collegiate nonsense that No Reply Magazine most graciously published this week:

First they kill Jack, then Malcolm, then Martin, then Bobby, and now… they’re coming after the H-man.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Hari graduated from Bowdoin College in May of 2004, and has been living at home with his parents for the past 8 months. He has been heavily medicated, and his active imagination (read: delusions of grandeur) have led to some very memorable and frequent contributions to this magazine.

However, we feel it is important to clarify that we, No Reply Magazine, do not support, agree with, condone, or even understand the majority of his view points, takes on history and current events, and his very skewed idea of his place in Bowdoin lore.

This article was edited down from a document which was originally over 118 pages and 25,000 words. It was titled “They’re trying to kill me…PART I.”

Further editing was done to translate words Hari apparently felt at liberty to make up. (Words like "pencilliatory," "durganize," "vestangulate"…and so forth. These “words” sound like they could be real, but are actually just gibberish). We replaced these words with what we assumed were their English equivalents and what were most appropriate in the given context.

During my years at Bowdoin, I became somewhat of a legendary figure. I single-handedly ignited the rebirth (and to some historians…the REAL BIRTH) of the Bowdoin comedy scene. I was a civil rights activist, scholar, and a controversial social theorist who for years advocated the cloning of students of Color.

“It would guarantee a diverse campus for years to come. Hell, we could even stuff the clones and mount them in a museum.”

They all thought I was crazy.

“If we’re going to be on display during our time there for white people to look at, why not just go that extra step and keep us there forever?”

All this went to deaf ears.

But even with my controversial theories, I was considered god-like, especially, and ironically, to the God-less liberal savages that I considered brethren and sistren.

So when No Reply editor Sean Turley told me that this month's issue was about assassinations, I knew I had to chip in my two cents. A man of my status knows a thing or two about assassination attempts. As a former Bowdoin leader and a future, influential global figure, there have been many attempts on my life, from a wide variety of sources (both within and outside my sheltered collegiate bubble, and some which may be harder to believe than others.)

Time to expose you all to some ugly truths. Printed below is a list of all the times people have attempted to kill me:

(In the interests of time, space…and common decency…we will not print all of these “assassination attempts.” We have, however, listed some of the more interesting, or at least more coherent, ones below. Some, as you will see, had to be interpreted, and explained, and will be shown in italics.)


1) The Laugh Out Loud Conspiracy

People always ask me why I stopped creating episodes of the “Laugh Out Loud” television program. This highly successful late night variety program hosted by myself was the flagship show for the Bowdoin Cable Network. There were even rumours of a deal with a Portland Public Access station for late night syndication. Things were going great, so why did I pull the plug after only two episodes?

Why? Because they were coming to get me!

Shortly after creating “Ironic T-Shirt,” an all-freshmen sketch comedy troupe, for the purposes of creating humourous commercial parodies for my program, I noticed some tension between me and the group members. They started to become popular and get recognized on campus, but it was always as the group that stood out in the darkness cast by my massive shadow. Nick Von Keller was writing some decent stand-up bits, as well. But it was never “Hari” enough. (“Hari” was used as a synonym for “funny.”) Tony Handel wasn’t as pretty as I was. Adam Paltrineiri did not look as good in a tweed jacket as I did…and so on, and so forth. They were all jealous. They couldn’t wait to get me out of the picture.

I couldn’t perform peacefully. They served as the stage crew for my show, and so I was constantly worried that they were plotting to get me. Perhaps a grenade beneath my desk. Or a bullet in my back during the monologue. When the lights went out to air video clips, I was petrified.

Ultimately, they never got their “shot” because I pulled the plug on LOL before they pulled the plug on me. They never had the chance to kill me…but there were others who did.


43) The attempt in Moulton.

On one early December evening in 2003, I was having dinner with my friend Haliday Douglas in Moulton dining hall. I was almost done with my meal, when I decided to get another delicious peanut butter cookie. When I returned, I went to take a sip of water when I luckily noticed something very interesting…my water was fizzing! Hal, had clearly slipped something into my drink and was trying to assassinate me. As long as there was another popular minority on campus whose name started with the letter “H,” he could never have the nickname “The H-man.” Just “H-man 2,” or the “Friend of the H-man,” or “The H-man’s non-sexual ping pong buddy.” So, he tried to bump me off.

Douglas tried to cover up his failed attempt by claiming that I had not gotten water, but Sprite. He begged me to take a sip of it. A clever ploy!!

“Hmm….you’re right, Hal. This does indeed taste like lemon-lime goodness.”

“Well, that’s because it’s lemon-lime flavored rat poison! Die charlatan!”

Nice try, “Bob.”


134) Hari basically just summarized the plot to Weekend at Bernie’s, with himself playing the role of “Bernie.” He apparently was faking death the whole time to prevent being killed.


245) Charleston Chewed Out

In early 1992, I was a portly 5th grader with an addiction to sugar. My best friend was Jatin, a young man whose mother would put Twinkies, or candy bars in his bag lunch. I would instantly become best friends with him. One afternoon, Jatin pulled out a “Charleston Chew” bar. This was a candy bar I’d heard about for years, but never experienced for myself. He offered me half, probably knowing I would ask for half eventually, and I started to eat it. Unlike other candy bars, which I basically swallowed, this bar was mostly nougat and therefore, had to be carefully chewed with the enzymes in my saliva having to get much of the work done. I did not realize this fact, and a morsel got caught in my throat.

Years later I figured out what was going on. My "best friend" was really a government agent placed in my elementary school to take me out. Whether he was sent back in time through a time machine, or whether the government was trying to get rid of a problem before it developed is uncertain. What I do know is that my survival was purely due to luck.

As I choked to death in front of all those innocent children, Jatin attempted to break my ribs with several violent jabs to the chest. (I suppose he wanted to make sure there was no chance of survival.) The jabs, however, proved counterproductive as they jarred the assassin’s nougat free from my throat, allowing oxygen to re-enter my body.

Jatin would later attempt to convince me that the punches to my chest were his attempt to save my life because he did not know the Heimleich maneuver. Poor bastard is still brainwashed by the government after all these years. He’s really as much of a victim in this tale as I am.


578) This particular “attempt” was written in the obscure, and absolutely useless, “wingdings” font. We assumed that it was coded and changing the text of this section into New Times Roman would allow us to translate it…WRONG. We were met with “words” such as “ajkhdfs” and “euhsdckzz.”


896) The Philosophical Assassination.

My mother brought me into this world, and since every second you live is basically a second closer to dying, isn’t giving someone life the same as sentencing them to death? Ok, this one is a stretch, but I needed a reason 896, so my total number of reasons could be evenly divided by 7. It NEEDS to be divisible by 7.



DUCK, MOTHERFUCKER! Posted by Hello

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Man, I really want falafel right now.

Some confused, and frightened ramblings from recent graduates of an elite liberal arts college in New England:

ItsGodsWillyBoy (6:59:32 PM): Do you ever watch crappy TV or movies and pretend that you are analyzing them as an intellectual study of pop culture?
WeezerReference594 (6:59:39 PM): Yes, of course. The analysis makes me feel productive.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (6:59:57 PM): It makes me feel so superior
WeezerReference594 (7:02:38 PM): thank god for the internet, otherwise all my "research" would be wasted
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:03:04 PM): I too should get published on the internet and present my brilliant analyses to the world. I could probably make the appearance of real, valuable enterprise.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:03:09 PM): Blogs aren't the same as intellectual journals, but I would argue, equally deluded
WeezerReference594 (7:03:32 PM): haha
WeezerReference594 (7:07:39 PM): I have constructed an interesting little world for myself online. I better not get too comfortable. I might not know how to live in the real world. WeezerReference594 (7:08:19 PM): or "concrete reality" as me and rest of the cyber cowboys (read: nerds) refer to it.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:08:46 PM): I have seen the ease with which you navigate the pitfalls and dangers of the "real world"
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:09:32 PM): you are a man of all worlds: a modern renaissance man
WeezerReference594 (7:09:56 PM): no, my friend... you are.
WeezerReference594 (7:10:18 PM): In a few months, you will become a community health coordinator in Zambia. You must use all your skills in a job like that.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:11:55 PM): Yes, I am so very prepared for that assignment
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:12:13 PM): B.A. in English, Class of 2004
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:11:19 PM): Oh man, I'm going to help those poor black bastards so fucking much!
WeezerReference594 (7:12:29 PM): I’ve met Peace Corps volunteers before. They teach English, build homes, provide medicine…
WeezerReference594 (7:12:33 PM): They seem to do everything besides give these people what they really needed.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:12:40 PM): which is?
WeezerReference594 (7:12:45 PM): some Jesus H. Christ
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:12:47 PM): Yes! Hallelujah!
WeezerReference594 (7:13:31 PM): By the time you are done with them, they'll have so many useful ideas and beliefs.
WeezerReference594 (7:14:04 PM): and a book to help guide them through the "pitfalls and dangers" of modern life in a poor African country.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:14:10 PM): Moral freaking values! It's all in there!
WeezerReference594 (7:14:38 PM): we better become partners in a bible making business
WeezerReference594 (7:15:00 PM): after your done with them, send them to me, and then we can make some serious dough
WeezerReference594 (7:15:05 PM): your=you're
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:16:19 PM): I’m sorry for the delayed response, I was having trouble understanding what you wrote. Your poor grammar and lack of capitalization and punctuation disoriented me.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:16:22 PM): B.A. in English, 2004
WeezerReference594 (7:16:30 PM): I have been told that I am a very grammatically correct person online.
WeezerReference594 (7:16:43 PM): most people write the word you as "u"
WeezerReference594 (7:16:49 PM): and love as "luv"
WeezerReference594 (7:16:59 PM): and later as “l8er”
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:17:30 PM): horrific!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:18:13 PM): isn't there a danger of translating this online sloppiness into emails to people you should be showing respect towards?
WeezerReference594 (7:18:36 PM): I don't know.
WeezerReference594 (7:18:42 PM): I'm very careful when I write e-mails.
WeezerReference594 (7:18:52 PM): but… I am really fucking smart!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:19:07 PM): that's good, I am too
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:19:21 PM): I know exactly when to criticize people for being dumb
WeezerReference594 (7:20:15 PM): ME TOO
WeezerReference594 (7:20:25 PM): which is whenever you want to and whenever they are not there.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:20:31 PM): A very useful skill, indeed.
WeezerReference594 (7:21:01 PM): My skills are stalking people online and criticizing people who seem content with their lives.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:21:19 PM): I am good at seeing someone reading USA today
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:21:34 PM): and making a mental note about how stupid they must be
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:21:53 PM): or watching someone enter the Disney store and making a similar declaration
WeezerReference594 (7:22:22 PM): A friend of mine once used the word "ironical" in a sentence.
WeezerReference594 (7:22:27 PM): I tried correcting her.
WeezerReference594 (7:22:35 PM): She then used it again 5 minutes later.
WeezerReference594 (7:22:43 PM): I had a field day in my head after that one.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:23:23 PM): I've heard the word "ironical" used numerous times and meant to check it out before mocking the person
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:23:33 PM): One time Alex and I were in hysterics over this moron in class who used the word “fundaments.”
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:24:01 PM): the next class we had a reading that had the word in it about fifty times
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:24:26 PM): It was written by a Harvard professor.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:24:44 PM): that was humbling
WeezerReference594 (7:25:04 PM): you never mentioned this
WeezerReference594 (7:25:14 PM): why did you not mention this to me?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:25:30 PM): It made me look stupid
WeezerReference594 (7:25:38 PM): My god. It's like telling a child there is no Santa.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:25:43 PM): I only tell you about things that make me look smart
WeezerReference594 (7:25:54 PM): Of course.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:27:49 PM): that conversation was meant to make me look compassionate and benevolent
WeezerReference594 (7:29:08 PM): GODDAMMIT, IRONICAL IS A WORD! I just looked it up on dictionary.com.
WeezerReference594 (7:29:13 PM): SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!
WeezerReference594 (7:29:20 PM): I am a pretentious fuck.
WeezerReference594 (7:29:25 PM): and an idiot apparently.
WeezerReference594 (7:29:28 PM): I too have been greatly humbled.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:30:35 PM): let's get back to padding each other's egos
WeezerReference594 (7:30:42 PM): Agreed.
WeezerReference594 (7:30:56 PM): You were on an intramural championship hockey team in college.
WeezerReference594 (7:31:04 PM): The captain, in fact.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:31:24 PM): Your last comedy show was the single best event Professor Rembrandt had ever seen at Bowdoin.
WeezerReference594 (7:32:02 PM): That made me so happy, even though I had never taken a class with her.
WeezerReference594 (7:32:07 PM): In fact, I didn't even personally know her.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:33:03 PM): All you really knew was that she was somewhat pretentious and had high standards, judging by the way she insulted her students.
WeezerReference594 (7:34:01 PM): And that impressed me.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:34:12 PM): these are in fact the qualities that have propelled me towards my own pedestal upon which I am currently perched
WeezerReference594 (7:34:16 PM): She was like you and me, but with a PHD!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:34:24 PM): Exactly.
WeezerReference594 (7:34:37 PM): She had documentation that she was better than most people.
WeezerReference594 (7:34:46 PM): and was given a pedestal to speak from.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:34:58 PM): yes, a legitimate one
WeezerReference594 (7:34:59 PM): Her opinions were respected.
WeezerReference594 (7:35:08 PM): Damn, that makes me want to be a professor.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:35:29 PM): yes
WeezerReference594 (7:35:33 PM): Some one with "authority" in a given area.
WeezerReference594 (7:35:52 PM): "respect"
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:36:19 PM): and permission to bullshit
WeezerReference594 (7:36:30 PM): I want permission to bullshit and talk all fancy.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:36:37 PM): It’s “factually” backed-up bullshit
WeezerReference594 (7:36:51 PM): Which is backed up by other bullshitters.
WeezerReference594 (7:36:57 PM): who have more degrees
WeezerReference594 (7:37:01 PM): and more bullshit research
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:37:13 PM): yes, with some very wealthy people backing them up, ultimately
WeezerReference594 (7:37:27 PM): And that is all you need: rich people to back you up.
WeezerReference594 (7:37:47 PM):
We need some rich people, Willy. And they need to back us up.
WeezerReference594 (7:37:58 PM): Find the richest people in Zambia (or in your village in Zambia).
WeezerReference594 (7:38:32 PM): I say we will build a university there.
WeezerReference594 (7:39:18 PM): I will teach History, Political Science, and Standup Comedy as Literature (to fill the English requirement for science geeks)
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:39:32 PM):
and get honorary degrees for doing so!
WeezerReference594 (7:39:45 PM): Degrees? Hell, let’s get Honorary Doctorates!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:39:53 PM): And in this country, we will be allowed to use those honorary doctorates.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:40:34 PM): Most people who get doctorates are far too accomplished and have far too much self respect to do so.
WeezerReference594 (7:41:01 PM): not us
WeezerReference594 (7:41:09 PM): we will use them as stepping stones to greatness
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:41:26 PM):
yes
WeezerReference594 (7:41:26 PM): I'm sure we can bribe someone in Zambia to get our university accredited.
WeezerReference594 (7:41:46 PM): am I correct in assuming so?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:42:03 PM): oh yeah, for like 10 bucks
WeezerReference594 (7:42:15 PM): I can borrow the 10 bucks from my mom.
WeezerReference594 (7:42:24 PM): or sell some of my books online
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:42:55 PM): Hey, let's rename Zambia while we're at it. It doesn't sound “intellectual” enough.
WeezerReference594 (7:43:10 PM): You are correct.
WeezerReference594 (7:43:16 PM): Too "ethnic."
WeezerReference594 (7:43:24 PM): We won't gain credibility in America. (Which, obviously, is our real goal.)
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:43:36 PM): Right
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:44:23 PM): And getting credibility from one of those colored schools like Morehouse or Howard isn't enough
WeezerReference594 (7:44:37 PM): We need a school that had slaveowners as trustees at some point.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:44:51 PM): I want Harvard!
WeezerReference594 (7:46:03 PM): Hmm...we still haven't come up with a new name for Zambia.
WeezerReference594 (7:46:15 PM): How about the University of Zambia?
WeezerReference594 (7:46:29 PM): If the whole country was a big campus, wouldn't that be amazing?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:46:32 PM): Intelligensia?
WeezerReference594 (7:46:40 PM): wow
WeezerReference594 (7:46:47 PM): that's awesome
WeezerReference594 (7:46:54 PM): yes!
WeezerReference594 (7:47:16 PM): The people of Intelligensia will be known as "intellectuals."
WeezerReference594 (7:47:42 PM): And since the whole country will be run as a college, with everyone going to school, that would make sense.
WeezerReference594 (7:48:00 PM): We would be running the college… and the nation!
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:48:26 PM): And rightly so, fellow PHD.
WeezerReference594 (7:49:08 PM): I feel so damn important right now.
WeezerReference594 (7:49:20 PM): So relevant and useful.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:49:46 PM): do you think we should wait to start referring to ourselves as doctors?
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:50:18 PM): I'm ready to start operating right now…
WeezerReference594 (7:50:51 PM): I am too.
WeezerReference594 (7:51:00 PM): And after we are taken to jail...
WeezerReference594 (7:51:08 PM): we most definitely could plead insanity.
WeezerReference594 (7:51:58 PM): Wow, the disparity between “what we envisioned” and “what our realities are” is amazing.
WeezerReference594 (7:52:10 PM): Some would even say "ironical."
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:53:20 PM): our "fundaments" were imaginary
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:54:47 PM): Hari, you should come back to the West Coast. Nobody works here, and everyone is smart and wonderfully self proclaimed humanitarians.
WeezerReference594 (7:54:14 PM): Man, I want a falafel right now.
WeezerReference594 (7:54:22 PM): this sux.
ItsGodsWillyBoy (7:54:28 PM): no shit

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I can't sleep.

Well, the new pope is officially Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, destroying my dreams of writing more Black pope jokes. Cardinal Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, received at least 2/3 of the votes from the College of Cardinals. As I assumed, the recent steroids scandal hurt Mark McGwire’s chances at the papacy as he received a measly 2 votes, most likely coming from the St. Louis Cardinals. (Thinking about making this terrible joke has kept me up for the last two hours, and forced me to write this entry.)

Here are some other random thoughts and memories to share, while I’m awake:

- In this country, Mexicans are considered both hard working and lazy. They’re apparently taking all our jobs, but are also living off the government because they are too lazy to find work.

"They sneak over the border, cut my grass, clean my house, take care of my kids, and then have the nerve to sleep at night and ask for weekends off! LAZY MEXICAN BASTARDS!"

I’ve never heard of a society giving a people such a mixed racist message.

- One of my best friends once told me that my attempts to be funny would "single-handedly ruin comedy." All comedy clubs will close down, all movies will become dramas, and laughter will be banned. We’ll give this prediction five more years to work out.

- When I played Little League baseball, I used to chew miniature tootsie rolls like chewing tobacco and spit out chocolate juice. Many of the parents found my antics very amusing, and a pleasant distraction from all the losing we were doing. They didn't even mind all the striking out, and even gave me the nickname "Hari the K." However, when we started winning, my clowning and .000 batting average became less endearing. (As I previously stated, during my third and last year in Little League. 0-44, with 44 strikeouts. Most likely a record.)

-My father thinks you can find anything on the internet by typing .com after it. For plane tickets to India he asked me to check “PlaneticketstoIndia.com”

Hari: Dad, it doesn’t work that way.

Dad: Just do it.

(I type it into the address bar on Internet Explorer, and wait for it to get rejected.)

Hari: See it doesn’t work.

Dad: Did you spell India right?

Hari: Yes, yes, I spelled it right. It doesn’t…

Dad: Ok, ok try typing…”planeticketstoandhrapradeshstate.com.”

“Dad…”

“Type it!”

One of my biggest fears is that eventually one of these ridiculous addresses will lead us to a Desi porn site. Some Indian pervert/ entrepreneur is going to notice a trend and cash in on it.

“Uncles don’t know anything about computers, and I’m sure some of them like Desi Tranny porn…lets see if this works.”

- I believe it is a women's right to choose what she does with her body. However, the idea of ending a potential human life still bothers me a great deal. What could’ve been the future of that young embryo?

Well, here’s an important thing I keep in mind: Some of those embryos have NO FUTURE. Some of these future babies will turn into future assholes. Assholes who will treat you like shit when you get older and make fun of you when you strike out in Little League.

“Get back on the bench, Diaper-head! You’re stinking up the field!”

“Sorry coach! Can my mom have the hundred dollars back that she invested in my baseball training?”

I’m digressing. Where were we? Oh yeah…asshole babies. We need to find a way to detect and eliminate these babies before they become asshole adults. I don’t know how, but it's really not my job to find out. I’m more of an ideas man.

Finally, here is another picture of a famous baseball player looking like a complete moron:


Goddamnit, Mattingly! Yes, I know you were on an episode of The Simpsons once, but what the fuck are you doing here? Posted by Hello

Monday, April 18, 2005

She's Got Vatican Fever!

So there's been some discussion of the possibility of the college of cardinals electing the first Black pope, Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/4445821.stm

What I find most interesting about this selection is the effect it will have on a segment of the Italian-American community that is extremely racist, and abhors Black people.

(For those of you unfamiliar with this racism, please see Spike Lee's Jungle Fever, Do the Right Thing, or Eddie Murphy Raw.)

Imagine a young Italian-American girl, formally scared to death of bringing her African-American boyfriend home, now doing so with some confidence.

(Setting: Howard Beach, Queens, Sometime in 2006. Joe, Mary, and their son Joe Jr. are having lunch when their daughter Theresa walks in with an unexpected guest. )

Theresa: Mom, and Dad...I want you to meet someone.

Father: Hey, how are....what the fuck?? Oh, this better be the mailman.

Theresa: No, he is not the mail man. He is my boyfriend Lebron, and I love him.

Joe Jr.: Oh shit!

(Mother passes out)

Father (removing belt): Yeah, lets see if he loves you with your nose broken.

Lebron: Sir, I really don't feel that is an appropriate...

Father: You shut the fuck up you _______ (any variety of racial slurs against African Americans could be used here, once again see previously mentioned films.)

Theresa: Dad, you can't be this way anymore. It ain't right.

Father: Why the fuck not? Our people shouldn't mix, it's the way it is.

Theresa: Not anymore, I mean...THE POPE IS BLACK!

Father: Damnit, I knew this would happen if I sent you to NYU.

Theresa: Actually, I think Lebron is actually related to the pope.

Lebron: Actually Theresa, I'm Bapt...

(Theresa steps on his foot)

Lebron: Oww...yeah the Pope is on my father's side.

Theresa: See! If the Vatican can accept a Black man, then why can't we, good Catholics, do the same?

Mother: (Regaining consciousness) She's right, Joe. Times are changing.

(Lebron puts his hand forward)

Father: (Sighs) (Shakes Lebron's hand)

Joe Jr.: Hey Dad, while we're in this really socially progressive mood, remember that friend from college I brought home over Spring Break.

Father: What about him?

Joe Jr.: He's my boyfriend. I'm gay.

(Everyone, except Joe Jr., starts laughing)

Father: Good one JJ. Hey, we got the next Andrew Dice Clay over here!

Joe Jr.: Yes...(sighs)...the next Dice man.


CAST
Father Joe: Danny Aiello

Mother Mary: Ellen Travolta
Theresa: Marisa Tomei
Lebron: Lebron James
Joe Jr.: Mario Cantone

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Something that happened last Wednesday

Setting: New York City. 7th Avenue between 27th and 28th Streets.

(A young heavyset Black man is selling sunglasses on a folding table.)

Salesman: Sunglasses! Hottest shades in the city! Change your style, change your life!

(A young, very attractive Black woman pauses for a moment in front of the table.)

Salesman: (Towards the young woman) I know you're thinking about it. C'mon it's time to take it to the next level.

Young Woman: What?

Salesman: I mean, I know you already got it going on, but with these Gucci glasses you could take it somewhere else. Take it to the next level!

Young Woman: Next level? Look here. (Takes out sunglasses from her purse) These are real Gucci sunglasses. $180!

Salesman: Yeah, but...for $15, you could still take it to the next level.

Young Woman: To the next level down maybe!

(The salesmen selling knockoff Rolex watches and fake designer purses start laughing hysterically.)

(The heavyset salesman drops his head to avoid eye contact with anyone.)

(The attractive young woman walks away with her sunglasses on and her dignity intact.)

(A young Indian American nerd, standing next to a hot dog stand a feet away, takes outs a notebook and begins writing furiously. He makes up several details, including
what he believes is a clever closing punchline, and the fact that the salesman eventually feels shame. He's trying to take it to the next level.)