Saturday, July 23, 2005

Sacrilgeous

MisterFurley (4:54:00 PM): Did you read my little tribute to John Ritter in my latest journal entry?
WeezerReference594 (4:54:46 PM): Yeah, I just read it. Good entry overall, though a bit scattered.
MisterFurley (4:55:05 PM): scattered?
MisterFurley (4:55:09 PM): I'll scatter you, fuckface!
WeezerReference594 (4:55:28 PM): Good closing line, but I wished you used my suggestion.
MisterFurley (4:55:33 PM): What suggestion?
WeezerReference594 (4:56:01PM): You should’ve closed with “Come and knock on heaven's door…God'll be waiting for you.” (sang to the “Three’s Company theme song).
MisterFurley (4:56:12 PM): That’s just downright tasteless. How dare you insult John Ritter’s memory like that! This conversation is over.
MisterFurley signed off at 4:56:15 PM

SIDENOTE: My friend Adam’s, now defunct, online humour journal can be found at www.deadjournal.com/users/mrfurley28

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The sketch that might have changed my life...

For years now I've tried to figure out how I got rejected from 5 out of the 6 colleges I applied to my senior year of high school. I had the grades to easily make 3 of them, and reasonable shots at the other 3. So what happened?

Today, while going through some old floppy discs, I found the answer.

I had written a satirical sketch about cigarette smoking that I thought was ridiculously funny and brilliant social commentary. I had performed the sketch 1 or 2 times at school and no one ever found it even remotely humorous. I assumed it was because my writing was too sophisticated for the high school mind. However, I was sure college admissions officers would be blown away by it. "Wow, it looks like we've got the next Jonathan Swift on our hands here. Sign this man up!"

I sent it to the 5 schools I really cared about...and would eventually get rejected by.

Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy the cause of my great misfortune:


Cigarettes: They ain't nothing wrong with that!

(Kid playing jacks)

(Marlboro Man and Joe Camel enter)


Marlboro Man: Hey Kid!!

Joe Camel: How are ya?

Kid: Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.

Marlboro Man:
We're not strangers. I'm the Marlboro Man!!

Joe Camel: Yeah, and I'm Joe Camel. You've seen us in magazines, billboards, and wherever fine cigarettes are sold.

Kid: Wait, if you're Joe Camel, where are your camel-like humps?

Joe Camel: Well, I found out that they weren't humps. They were actually giant tumors. I luckily had them removed before the cancer spread.

Kid: Um..ok, I'll buy that. Anyway, so what do you guys want?

Joe Camel: Well, we want to introduce you to the wonderful world of smoking.

Kid: But the surgeon general says smoking is hazardous to your health.

Marlboro Man:
Well what does he know!! We're tobacco experts! We'll tell you if they're not healthy. And trust me, there is nothing more healthy than a fine Carolina smoke.

(Joe Camel takes out a cigarette, and lights it)


Joe Camel: (takes puff) Oh Yeah!! (Starts coughing violently, and then grabs chest)

Kid: Are you okay Mr. Camel?

Marlboro Man: Yeah, he's ok. It's just a non-smoking related heart problem.

(Joe Camel falls to the ground, possibly cussing as he goes down, and starts convulsing.)

Kid:
He's turning blue!!

Marlboro Man: Alright, alright. Hold on.

(goes backstage to get defribulators, then comes back rubs them, puts them on chest and yells)

CLEAR!!! 1,2,3!!! CLEAR!!!

(Joe starts coughing and then gets up)

Joe Camel: WOAH!!! That was a close one!!

Kid: Are you ok, Mr. Camel?

Joe: Yeah, sure, it happens all the time. But remember it's completely non-smoking related!!!

Marlboro Man: So kid, wanna try a cigarette, now?

Kid: Well, ok.

(Marlboro Man gives a cigarette to the kid, Joe, and takes one out for himself, then they start smoking)


Kid: Mmm, that is pretty good!! (Says this while coughing)

Marlboro Man: Told ya!! 100% healthy!!

Joe Camel: Ya 100% health… (grabs chest, and falls to the floor)

Marlboro Man and Kid: (together) Cigarettes, they're really not that bad!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Hari's Journal is back...now chock full of content!

Hello readers,

First of all, I am proud to say that I actually do have readers. Apparently, many of my friends and acquaintances, their friends and acquaintances, and a number of stalkers I have attained through my memberships in such online friendship communities as “friendster,” “myspace” and “facebook” has lead to increased traffic on my little spot on the internet.

SIDENOTE: These online friend collection services are out of control. “Who needs to maintain relationships with phone calls and occasional human contact when all the information we need to know about each other can be found easily enough through consistently updated online survey forms and posted photographs.” How the hell did we get to this point?

For those of you who have shared this link with friends or posted it in away messages or AIM profiles, I apologize for the lack of updates. The last couple of months have been busy, and I have not found the time to write. I won’t go into any of the particulars for fear of this sounding too “bloggy”…and we all know how badly I want to avoid comparisons with 15 year old Asian girls. (I’m so not being racist here. Read any 10 random pages on xanga or blogspot and I’m positive that you’ll see an abundance of “Hello Kitty” backgrounds, and WrITinG LiKe ThIs.)

Anyway, I am now ready to resume providing you all with the kind of content you deserve. Stuff that is just good enough for you to justify taking a 5 minute break from work or school to skim through half-heartedly… and not leave a comment. (LEAVE COMMENTS, YOU BASTARDS!)

Now…on with the update!

Here are some recent musings, memories, and miscalculations:

-Destiny’s Child has taken a really interesting turn with their latest single, “Cater 2 U.” On their previous singles, they have discussed the importance of women taking charge of their lives, and being in control of their relationships. “Cater 2 U” has a strikingly different tone.

I promise you I'll keep myself up,
Remain the same chick,
You fell in love with,
I’ll keep it tight,
I’ll keep my figure right,
I’ll keep my hair fixed
Keep rocking the hottest outfits.

I realize some of you may think I’m making a big deal over nothing.

“Just because a woman wants to keep in shape to make her man happy does not necessarily imply that she is servile.”

Ok, then how about this gem:

When you come home late,
Tap me on my shoulder,
I'll roll over,
Baby I heard you,
I'm here to serve you,
If it's love you need,
To give it is my joy,
All I want to do is cater to you, boy.

Wow, from “Independent Women” to “Bend me over a sink because I don’t want to think” in just 2 years.


-I’ve spent the last 4 months working with 20 South Asian high school girls at an afterschool center. (I promise, much more on this experience another time.)

Being allowed into the world of 16 year old girls has been weird, to say the least. I obviously can’t relate to all of it, but my time there has reminded me of how melodramatic high school could be.

For example, remember how everyone made sure to hug each other at least five times a day? At the beginning of the day, between periods, at lunch, when it was time to go home…

“Oh my God! I haven't seen you in like half an hour!! What’s going on?”

1 year for humans is equal to 7 dog years. 1 year for an adult human is equivalent to the same for teenagers.

Coming back from Winter Break was like coming back from World War II.


- I’ve spent the morning listening to The Police’s “Every Breath You Take” on repeat on winamp in hopes that it will replace the Puff Daddy song that sampled it. I want to hear that opening bass line and not hear "uh huh , yeah, no doubt" anymore. I'm 3 hours into my little experiment and still no luck getting the P.Diddy residue out of my head.

"I keep crying, baby...baby...pleeeaasssee...."


- Here’s me hitting rockbottom:

My brother caught me lip-synching to “Linger” by the Cranberries off their 1993 debut album “Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?

I tried to cover up my embarrassment by saying that I was doing a parody of Caucasian life in 1995. He then called me “a parody of a man.”

I guess all that time with 15-year old girls has made me one.


-I’ve convinced myself that Paris Hilton is the reincarnation of Mahatma Gandhi.

Stay with me on this one.

In Hinduism, it is believed that the life we lead now, will affect the conditions of our next life. You end the cycle of birth and rebirth by reaching nirvana and one only does this by living the best life they can lead until they reach that point.

January 30, 1948, Gandhi reaches heaven and meets God. God sees a frail, worn, old man who lived the best life he’s seen a person live in generations. It seems only reasonable that he would turn to Gandhi and say:

“I think you need a break. Take it easy for a while. Don’t do too much. Stay off your feet. Indulge yourself.”

The result:



And don't forget about Nehru!!

Yeah, I know...not the best update in the world. The photo above isn't even all that well done. The white backgrounds of the clearly photoshopped pictures ruin any effect I was going for. Give me a break, it's been a few months. Sooner or later, the magic will return.

I'm delusional...

Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,