Saturday, November 12, 2005

Fresh off the pad...

Here are some recent thoughts:

-With all that’s going on in the world, I find it astounding that the United States Congress is actually wasting time and money on legislating steroids! STEROIDS? Who cares about steroids? I certainly don’t because… you see…I’m a Nerd…and steroids are problems for Jocks. As we all know, Jocks and Nerds have been warring for generations.

So, why should I care if steroids make their balls shrink and give them heart attacks at the age of 25?

“Oh no Jocks, don’t thin out your gene pool!”

The way I see it, steroids are simply making the world safer for me and future Nerd-kids. (I’m pretty sure the Nerd gene is carried by the father.)

And the cost: Fewer wedgies and date rapes in the world.

And hey, who doesn’t like a few more homeruns at ballgames?

As far as I’m concerned, it’s a win-win situation.

- I need to come up with a new pick-up line when I talk to Indian girls.

Apparently “Hey…YOUR FATHER OWES MY FATHER LAND, NOW YOU MUST MARRY ME,” doesn’t really work anymore. A couple of centuries too late.

Wow, did I actually just write this? That, my friends, is a sell-out joke.

- Other countries have real public health issues. Recently, there has been a polio epidemic in 10 African nations, an outbreak of Japanese Encephalitis in India, and bird flu in China. What do we have in America? AN OBESITY EPIDEMIC. We're eating ourselves to death.

This is not a real epidemic. I mean, it’s not like something like this is going to hurt tourism to the United States. “No don’t go to America...they’ll eat you!”