Sunday, November 30, 2008

Absolutely No Concept of Time and Place

I'm currently watching the professional football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins.

Today, Washington honored former free safety Sean Taylor who was killed in a robbery in his Florida home last November.

I put the game on at halftime and heard football announcer/ former player/ current idiot Moose Johnston say the following:

"The Redskins really dodged a bullet that first half."

A poor choice of words...in general, I feel...but particularly, on this day. How embarrassing. He surely would be a bit more careful now, I assumed.

"The last thing the Redskins want to do today is get into a shootout. They can't afford to get into a shootout."

Oh wow, really? Really, Moose Johnston? Do you have any idea how words work? That they convey multiple meanings?

Wow. Idiot.

Also, the name of the team from Washington is "Redskins." I will never get over this.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

When Hari met Ali...and Chris

Yes, yes...I know...I need to write my first real post in the Obama era. I have yet to write about election night and all that has happened since. I will get to this soon enough. But first...

PEEP THIS:


These are my last shows in Seattle for a while, so I hope some of you Seattle kids make it out. Will be fun times.

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Saturday, November 01, 2008

"What's Up, Bro?"

The end of my Obama endorsement post reminded me of a flier I fittingly received while walking in San Francisco’s Mission District last summer.


This is almost too funny on its own for it to be worth commenting on…but let’s analyze it anyway:

THE INVITATION


This “cordial” invitation was given to me by some random dude on the street. I was about to reach into my pockets for change when he handed me this flier.

Also: ADMISSION FREE?

This is not enticing at all. As a comedian and past producer of shows, I know people do not value an event if it’s free. Put a price tag on it. Make people think it’s valuable. When they get there, they will be more likely to value it because they had to pay money to get in.

“Wow, this Christianity stuff is totally worth the $20 I spent. I may invest another $10 in this Bible just so I can show others how big a fan I am of this religion.”

Also, I suggest a pizza party.

THE SLOGAN

“Follow The Christ!” It makes it all feel really cult-y. Also, makes Jesus sound like a superhero or better yet, a professional wrestler.

If you smell what the Christ is cooking?

CHRIST'S APPEARANCE

I didn’t know Jesus was in Rumble Fish. It’s Matt Dillon Christ! (Some have said he has a striking resemblance to a young Michael McDonald.)

Seriously, that’s a white-ass Jesus! As the growing tanning industry seems to indicate, white people love getting tans. Inversely, however, Jesus seems to be getting whiter every year.

Obviously, this is not to say all Christians are white…that’s ridiculous…but his depiction as white is because he’s in someone’s image…and that someone was white. (I imagine Jesus looking like a bearded Jon Secada.)

How did Jesus get a haircut and beard trim in the desert? This Jesus looks like he’s about to say “What’s up, Bro?”

QUESTIONABLE PROMISES


How can following the Christ help you to:

“Improve Family Life?” Nope, my parents would be pissed if I converted to Christianity.

“Oppose the Devil?” Oh c’mon, this is a give-away one. That’s what Christ does. He opposes the devil! It’s like a vacuum cleaner promising to suck dirt. That’s what it does! I want to know what it does better than other vacuums and that it has longevity and that it is easy to find replacement vacuum bags. (You make that last analogy fit! I’ve done my part to put it out there.)

“Gain Everlasting Life?” I’m a Hindu, baby. I got reincarnation covered.

I’ll end on that cheap and easy cultural joke.

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