Saturday, January 17, 2009

Some Bits and Pieces

Here are some bits and pieces from my recent notepads. Will they become full bits? We don't know...but it's unlikely:

NEW YEAR’S
-New Year’s Day is a holiday that I can completely enjoy celebrating since no one died for it.

Though not officially acknowledged, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the genocide of the indigenous people of North America.

Christmas marks the birth of Jesus Christ whose martyrdom through violent death on a wooden cross is a fundamental aspect of the Christian faith.

Halloween clearly has elements that celebrate gore and death. (Ghosts, Zombies…etc.)

New Year’s is simply a celebration of the passing of time… and not people.

ENGLAND
- Hey England, does all your native food have to be so goddamn bland? You can't handle the spice, huh? Then what was all that exploring for then? This food should be so spicy that it is borderline inedible to even be close to justifying the number of people who died as the result of British imperial aggression (In my notepad, I originally phrased this: "A lot of people died for this shit.") And why isn't everyone wearing clothes made out of silk?

IRAQ
-When I see airplanes above me (which happens frequently enough in Queens, NY where there are two major airports), I still feel a bit uneasy. When I realize this, I get angry at myself. What a privilege to be “traumatized from a distance” though repeatedly watching 9/11 footage when so many kids in Iraq, for example, will never be able to enjoy fireworks again after 5 years of war.

U.S. Soldier: Please children, stop crying!! It’s Independence Day for Iraq! You are free now! You are free! You don’t need to hide!

-I wonder how many more years until Disney makes a movie about the first Iraqi Baseball League and we forget about all the things that happened and all the people that died in this war.

LOVE
-What kind of present does one buy for a wedding that was the result of adultery?

A stolen toaster?

COMEDY
-Maybe if Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia said they were doing "covers" instead of blatantly ripping off material, it would be less offensive to me.

(Here is a clever Stewart Lee bit about mainstream comedians stealing material from other working comedians: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco)

-Comedians are not normal. I have heard friends say that their favorite comedians are the ones who perform so naturally that they make you feel as though you were just hanging out with a friend.

However, there is something sick about somebody who feels the need to speak without interruption for 45 minutes and honestly feels they can fill that time with interesting observations.

Who wants to have a conversation with a friend like that where every conversation is really a monologue.

NOTE: I am very grateful to my friends for putting up with me. The deeper I have gotten into comedy, the more my listening skills have deteriorated. I worry I’m taking in less than 3/4 of what I am regularly told at this point.

OLD AGE
-I now like Dark Chocolate, The News, Spinach and Wool Socks. What the fuck happened to me? (Yes, I capitalized all these items to show you all how much I like them.)

IN AMERICA, WE HAVE MANY IDIOTS… AND AWARD SHOWS
-I saw some of the People’s Choice Awards recently. Ellen DeGeneres was giving an acceptance speech and “the People” in the audience just screamed through it. Why? Why?? So later you can say to your friends:

“Hear that scream that interrupted Ellen’s speech…no, not that one…the one that interrupted her punchline…yeah, that was mine!”

-After Heath Ledger won a Golden Globe for his performance as The Joker in Dark Knight, my first thought was “Wow, the Palestinian children in Gaza who are being bombarded right now are probably thinking ‘Shit, we just lost the front cover of the New York Times to someone who’s already dead.”

CANNIBALISM
-If cannibalism was not a crime, it would allow for such complex descriptions of people as being both "full of shit" and "delicious."

Yep, I’m going to end on that one.

1 Comments:

Anonymous SV said...

Nice ones! I liked the piece on Palestinians the most. You are awesome

1:08 AM  

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